I like to think most things in life are a lot more simple than first glance.
For those that don’t know me, I used to be a pretty big fitness guy. Lifting weights, running miles, the whole thing. And people would ask the secret to getting in shape and I really didn’t have one. I just did the thing over and over again, when it clicked. That was the secret to getting fit, consistency.
A lot of times, the secret skill, ingredient, or whatever you want to call it, is something heavily overlooked.
In fitness, it’s consistently showing up to the gym. In class, it’s not being on your phone. In leadership, it’s emotional intelligence.
Now, you don’t need a degree in psychology to become emotional intelligent. You also don’t need to sit around looking at feeling charts. Although I’ve done that, and it helps.
The definition of emotional intelligence is “the capacity to be aware of, control, and express one's emotions, and to handle interpersonal relationships judiciously and empathetically.”
Now there’s a little part in there that I think is the real kicker. “one’s.” Emotional intelligence isn’t about being able to diagnose someone else’s problems or emotions. Anyone can do that, it’s why reality TV is so popular.
True emotional intelligence is about way more than critiquing another’s emotions. It’s really about understanding your own emotions.
But how does this apply to leadership? This isn’t a self help website. I don’t believe in most things I read about when it comes to the topic of self help. But that’s another story for another time.
Here’s the thing about emotions, they play tricks on you and then control your actions.
As a leader, being able to identify that within yourself is paramount.
What are you going to do when you feel disrespected? Let me tell you a story.
I was in one of my first management positions and I came to find out that one of my coaches was not following our program, and was doing something actually quite contrary to our program. I was heading up our youth strength and conditioning program and got a text saying another coach’s workouts were different and better.
Immediately I got insecure, not only was this guy doing something different than I had written out, it was seen as better!
My first reaction was to get mad, to argue, to assert my dominance. I had to take a breath.
Later that day I got to stop by and see this coach in action. The text was right, his workouts were different than mine. But the kids in his program were having a really good time, smiles on their faces, loving it!
How did I respond?
I got even more insecure.
Immediately I made it about me, made it about how I’m supposed to be in charge but I’m not the best. And that’s the first of the many misconceptions of leadership I have. I’ve attached leadership to being the best. In my head, in order to lead the football team you had to be the best player. In order to lead the coaches you had to be the best coach.
We can dive into why this is later on, but for now, let’s break that notion. Leadership and being the best aren’t even in the same conversation. Those are different games.
Leadership is nothing less, and nothing more, than connection and inspiration.
So of course I went and connected with this rogue coach and that was it. Wrong. I left that day insecure, so I texted my boss and mentor for input. We sat down and he helped me come down from my insecurity fueled state of anger and taught me the lesson of getting people on the team.
That night in a meeting with my coach I asked him why he wasn’t doing my programming.
Turns out, he hadn’t been following the program for longer than I’d been running it. It was nothing personal, he had come up with an agreement with my predecessor and that information wasn’t passed on to me.
After a great conversation about detailed physiological things that I’ll skip here, a few things became clear.
In reality, he had been coaching longer than I have, and worked with these kids longer. Plain and simple, he was a better coach than me. What I saw was that I had to choose to respect him instead of trying to fill my own personal gaps with pride.
That process was about as far from easy as it can get. I had to really get a grasp on where I was at in order to do that.
Emotional intelligence isn’t a great skill because it makes you the most fun to be around. It’s not important because it makes you likable. Emotional intelligence is pivotal because it helps you understand what those around you are going through.
In my head, there are a few ways to really drill down some emotional intelligence.
The first, is therapy. It’s talking.
About yourself, mainly. But not about things that are fun to talk about. Everyone loves to talk about accomplishments, getting to the top of the mountain, or the victories.
Nobody likes to talk about abandonment issues, or how being codependent made your partner feel smothered, or the times you failed at building companies.
But by talking through those, not just about them, but through them. Now that is one of the most surefire ways to develop true emotional intelligence. But it’s not fun, it’s stigmatized (especially for men), and it can be expensive.
Thankfully there’s lots of great options for therapy, on a budget no less. Things like BetterHelp are great.
Another great option is journaling. Doing so in a guided way.
This idea makes me feel like a third grader being taught different emotions. But sitting down and writing out the top three emotions I felt yesterday, aided by a feelings chart of some sort. Has never failed to get me into a more introspective state.
Journaling and therapy. Both, as a man, can get stigmatized. I think less so these days. But it’s still there.
The path to emotional intelligence is not an easy one. Being a leader is not an easy thing.
Life is filled with easy things. If you prefer those, I’d advise you stay off the path.
But if you choose to do the hard things. Every week I write about my walk on the hard path over at my weekly blog.
I’ve talked a bit about why I started this path. And if I’m being honest, most days I stumble along the path. Crawl even.
I might run for an hour or two once or twice a week. But that’s a heavy might.
The point being, my goal is to just keep going.
I’ve been concluding these daily reflections with a prompt for further journaling. I’ve been thinking of these and brainstorming them in my notebook. When I wrote today’s it prompted me to a much longer bout of furious scribbling than I’m used to. Perhaps it will do the same for you.
What’s a time that you were wronged, by no fault of your own? What would you do to avoid that situation? Would you even want to avoid it?
I’ll see you on the path.